The Loneliness Few People Talk About: Building Belonging in the LGBTQIA+ Community at Midlife and Beyond
You're not imagining it
Loneliness is something everyone experiences at some point in life, whether it’s after a move, a breakup, or during major transitions like parenting, caregiving, or retirement. But for people moving through midlife and beyond, in LGBTQIA+ communities, loneliness often carries an extra weight. It can feel like a familiar companion, one that has been present since long before the world found the words to name it.
Loneliness has now reached epidemic levels across Australia and many comparable nations, with recent data suggesting that more than one in four adults in the United States for example, experience significant loneliness at any given time (Office of the U.S. Surgeon General, 2023). Within LGBTQIA+ communities, those rates are consistently higher — and the story of why matters deeply.
Minority stress and the compounding burden
For LGBTQIA+ individuals, loneliness is not simply the absence of social contact. It is often compounded by minority stress — the internalised and external stress of living with a stigmatised identity. This includes experiences of discrimination, harassment, and exclusion, as well as internal struggles like rejection sensitivity, internalised homophobia, or fear of being visible in communities that weren't designed with you in mind.
For those in midlife and older age, these experiences can compound over time. Decades of navigating hostile or indifferent systems — healthcare, housing, family, workplace — can leave behind cumulative stress, unprocessed grief, and a kind of exhausted hypervigilance that makes genuine connection feel unsafe or simply out of reach (Elmer et al., 2024). Studies indicate that minority stress is a significant predictor of loneliness in LGBTQIA+ adults across the lifespan, with effects amplified in older cohorts who came of age before the protections and visibility of the contemporary LGBTQIA+ rights movement (Hughes, 2016).
And yet LGBTQIA+ communities have always been, at their core, communities of survival, creativity, and radical belonging. The resilience, chosen family, and capacity for authentic connection that have emerged from shared marginalisation are among the most powerful belonging resources available. That's not to minimise the pain. It's to say that the same communities that have known profound loneliness have also pioneered some of the most meaningful antidotes to it.
Loneliness, solitude, and what we actually need
Although loneliness leaves us feeling disconnected due to unmet social needs, it is meaningfully different from solitude — a restorative state of being alone by choice. As sociologist Eric Klinenberg, author of Going Solo, argues, loneliness is less a reflection of how much time we spend alone, and more a signal that our connections lack the depth, safety, or authenticity we need.
This is particularly relevant in midlife, when long-standing roles — as partner, parent, adult-child, professional, or community member — may be shifting, and new roles may not yet feel stable or rewarding. The belonging need doesn't diminish with age; it changes shape. In LGBTQIA+ communities, this midlife reshaping can be especially acute: children grow up, careers shift, bodies change, and the youth-oriented spaces that once provided belonging may no longer feel accessible or welcoming.
Belonging — one of the core values at Upside Stories — is not simply about being near people. It is about feeling genuinely known. Research supports this: the quality of our social connections predicts wellbeing outcomes far more powerfully than the quantity (Akhter-Khan et al., 2023). It’s about finding your tribe.
The science of loneliness — and why it matters for physical health too
Chronic loneliness is not a mood. It is a physiological state with measurable consequences for brain and body. When we are persistently isolated or socially threatened — as many LGBTQIA+ people are, across their lives — our nervous systems activate a low-grade threat response. Over time, this increases systemic inflammation, disrupts immune regulation, and accelerates cellular ageing.
The health stakes are serious. A landmark meta-analysis across more than 600,000 individuals found that loneliness increased the risk of developing dementia by approximately 31% — with associations persisting even when researchers controlled for depression, social isolation, and other known dementia risk factors (Luchetti et al., 2024). Loneliness was also associated with elevated rates of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, and premature mortality (Wang et al., 2023; Cené et al., 2022).
Loneliness also tends to follow a U-shaped curve across the lifespan, with elevated rates in both younger adulthood and older age (Infurna et al., 2024). For younger LGBTQIA+ individuals, the journey of self-discovery and the risks of coming out — including family rejection and peer exclusion — can intensify early loneliness in ways that leave lasting imprints (Charmaraman et al., 2024; Ryan et al., 2010). For older LGBTQIA+ adults, invisibility within both queer and mainstream spaces adds a particular dimension: the sense of having survived so much, only to find oneself unseen again (Pereira & Banerjee, 2021).
The double marginalisation of midlife
LGBTQIA+ people in midlife often experience a particular kind of double marginalisation: excluded from the youth-centred energy of many queer spaces on one side, and from the heteronormative assumptions embedded in mainstream social circles on the other. Research on LGBTQIA+ older adults consistently documents this dual stigma — the compounding effects of ageism and homo/transphobia — which heightens exposure to health disparities and social exclusion (Pereira & Banerjee, 2021; Fredriksen-Goldsen, 2017).
For older individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community, many of whom lived through decades of active social rejection before any significant legal or cultural recognition was achieved, this invisibility carries historical weight. In many countries, LGBTQIA+ people of this generation grew up in contexts where their identities were pathologised or criminalised — leaving lasting imprints of shame, concealment, and hypervigilance that do not simply dissolve with legal change (Pereira & Banerjee, 2021). Growing older in communities that still hold bias — or that simply overlook older adults — can produce a profound sense of erasure. The lived experience of loneliness in this group is not simply about isolation. It is about the grief of not fully belonging, ever, anywhere (Fredriksen-Goldsen, 2017).
That grief deserves to be witnessed — not explained away, and not rushed through. It is real, it is valid, and it is treatable.
Building belonging: practical pathways for LGBTQIA+ adults in midlife
If you're feeling isolated — especially at midlife and beyond — making new friendships can feel daunting. Vulnerability after years of navigating rejection is real, not a character flaw. Here are evidence-informed approaches that honour both the desire for connection and the reality of what it takes to build it:
Find your people in shared interest groups
Look for LGBTQIA+-specific social groups built around activities you genuinely care about — sport, arts, activism, gardening, book clubs. Shared interest creates natural connection and is among the most effective elements of loneliness-reduction programmes (Shekelle et al., 2024). Prioritise groups that are intergenerational or specifically designed for midlife and older LGBTQIA+ individuals — spaces that value lived wisdom rather than just youthful energy.
Volunteer for causes that matter to you
Generativity — contributing meaningfully to others and to the next generation — is consistently linked to greater purpose, lower depression, and stronger community connection across midlife and older adulthood (Nonaka et al., 2023). Volunteering for an LGBTQIA+ organisation, a Pride march, or advocacy group connects you with purpose while building genuine relationships. It is one of the most evidence-supported routes out of isolation.
Participate in affirming community events
Consistency matters. Showing up regularly — to Pride events, queer book clubs, storytelling nights, or local social groups — builds familiarity, which builds safety, which creates the conditions for real belonging. Research on intervention effectiveness consistently identifies repeated contact and shared activity as central mechanisms of connection (Akhter-Khan et al., 2023). Choose events that feel age-affirming as well as identity-affirming.
Practise vulnerability in safe spaces
Deep connection requires risk around the willingness to be known. This is harder after years of navigating rejection and discrimination, and it’s also the path through. Sharing personal experience with people who understand yours is one of the most powerful catalysts for lasting friendship — and self-disclosure has been consistently identified as a key ingredient in genuine connection across adulthood (Akhter-Khan et al., 2023). You don’t have to do this all at once.
Reconnect with old LGBTQIA+ friendships
Rekindling connections with people from earlier chapters of your life — especially those who shared formative experiences with you — can offer a particular kind of belonging: the feeling of being known across time. Proximity and shared history are among the most reliable foundations for strong social bonds (Akhter-Khan et al., 2023). Reach out. People are often more ready than we expect.
Consider LGBTQIA+ support groups
For those who have experienced significant trauma, rejection, or identity-related distress, structured peer support groups offer a container for sharing and connection that extends beyond social events. Group-based interventions that address minority stress have shown significant benefits for LGBTQIA+ individuals, including reductions in loneliness, depression, and anxiety (Jackson et al., 2022; Tudor-Sfetea & Topciu, 2024). The relational safety created in a well-facilitated group can be transformative.
Move digital connections into real life
Online LGBTQIA+ communities and forums can be a valuable starting point — particularly for people who are geographically isolated or still navigating their identity. However, the evidence increasingly suggests that digital connection supplements, rather than replaces, in-person belonging; those who use online platforms primarily as a bridge to real-world encounters tend to report better social outcomes (Charmaraman et al., 2024). Move online connections toward real-world encounters where possible.
Give connection time
Friendship at midlife and in older age may take longer to develop than it did at twenty. Research on relationship formation suggests that proximity, repeated contact, and genuine self-disclosure are the key ingredients; and all three take time (Akhter-Khan et al., 2023). Show up consistently, be patient with the process, and trust that depth emerges gradually.
The role of therapy: healing what isolation leaves behind
For LGBTQIA+ individuals, therapy can play a role in exploring the deeper layers of chronic loneliness; not just the absence of social contact, but the internal barriers to genuine connection that have built up through years of navigating minority stress and identity-related adversity.
Some people may carry experiences of family rejection, internalised homophobia or transphobia, experiences of violence or discrimination, or a deep-seated sense of not deserving to be fully seen and loved. These are not personality deficits. They are intelligent ways of coping with difficult experiences throughout life. But they can make it genuinely difficult to trust, not only others, but also yourself.
LGBTQIA+-affirming therapy seeks to address both the internalised aspects of minority stress and the external experiences of marginalisation. Evidence-based approaches including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Schema Therapy can help identify and shift the patterns of thought and coping that keep people stuck in isolation. LGBTQIA+-affirmative CBT in particular has been tested across multiple randomised controlled trials and found to be efficacious in reducing depression, anxiety, and social isolation among sexual and gender minority individuals (Pachankis et al., 2022; Tudor-Sfetea & Topciu, 2024). Trauma-focused CBT may help process earlier adversity that has left its mark on the nervous system, not just the mind.
For LGBTQIA+ people in midlife and older age, online psychological therapy may also offer something uniquely valuable: a safe space to explore identity-related questions that were never safely asked earlier in life. Late-in-life coming-out experiences, unresolved grief, estrangement from family of origin, the renegotiation of who you are now that so much of what once defined you has changed; these are rich areas of life in which to explore meaning.
Nurturing self-acceptance, building trust in your own judgement, and learning to navigate social spaces with greater confidence and less fear; these are the areas to explore during therapeutic work.
When the weight becomes too much alone
Ongoing loneliness often stems from more than a lack of connection. Sometimes it lives in the understandable stories we carry about not belonging, not being enough, or not being safe to show up as we truly are.
At Upside Stories, we offer experienced online psychological therapy for individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community as they move through midlife and beyond. Book a complimentary 20-minute consultation to explore your next chapter.
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References & Further Reading
Akhter-Khan, S. C., Prina, M., Wong, G. H., Mayston, R., & Li, L. (2023). Understanding and addressing older adults' loneliness: The social relationship expectations framework. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 18(4), 762–777. https://doi.org/10.1177/17456916221127218
Ancín-Nicolás, R. A., Pastor, Y., López-Sáez, M. A., & Platero, L. (2024). Protective factors in the LGBTIQ+ adolescent experience: A systematic review. Healthcare, 12(18), 1865–1885. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare12181865
Elmer, E. M., van Tilburg, T. G., & Fokkema, T. (2024). Age and gender identity in the relationship between minority stress and loneliness: A global sample of sexual and gender minority adults. The Journal of Sex Research, 1–20. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2024.2339511
Hughes, M. (2016). Loneliness and social support among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex people aged 50 and over. Ageing and Society, 36(9), 1961–1981. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0144686X1500080X
Infurna, F. J., Staben, E., & Grimm, K. J. (2024). Loneliness in midlife: Historical increases and elevated levels in the United States compared with Europe. American Psychologist, advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0001385
Klinenberg, E. (2013). Going solo: The extraordinary rise and surprising appeal of living alone. Penguin Books.
Luchetti, M., Aschwanden, D., Sesker, A. A., Zhu, X., O'Súilleabháin, P. S., Stephan, Y., Terracciano, A., & Sutin, A. R. (2024). A meta-analysis of loneliness and risk of dementia using longitudinal data from >600,000 individuals. Nature Mental Health, 2(11), 1350–1361. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44220-024-00328-9
Nonaka, K., Murayama, H., Murayama, Y., Murayama, S., Kuraoka, M., Nemoto, Y., Kobayashi, E., & Fujiwara, Y. (2023). The impact of generativity on maintaining higher-level functional capacity of older adults: A longitudinal study in Japan. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(11), 6015. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20116015
Office of the U.S. Surgeon General. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Pereira, H., & Banerjee, D. (2021). Successful aging among older LGBTQIA+ people: Future research and implications. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 756649. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.756649
Charmaraman, L., Zhang, A., Wang, K., & Chen, B. (2024). Sexual minorities and loneliness: Exploring sexuality through social media and Gender-Sexuality Alliance (GSA) supports. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 21(3), 304. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph21030304
Cené, C. W., Beckie, T. M., Sims, M., Suglia, S. F., Aggarwal, B., Moise, N., Jiмénez, M. C., Gaye, B., & McCullough, L. D. (2022). Effects of objective and perceived social isolation on cardiovascular and brain health: A scientific statement from the American Heart Association. Journal of the American Heart Association, 11(e026493). https://doi.org/10.1161/JAHA.122.026493
Fredriksen-Goldsen, K. I. (2017). The future of LGBT+ aging: A blueprint for action in services, policies, and research. Generations, 40(2), 6–15.
Jackson, S. D., Wagner, K. R., Yepes, M., Harvey, T. D., Higginbottom, J., & Pachankis, J. E. (2022). A pilot test of a treatment to address intersectional stigma, mental health, and HIV risk among gay and bisexual men of color. Psychotherapy, 59(1), 96–112. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000426
Pachankis, J. E., Harkness, A., Maciejewski, K. R., Behari, K., Clark, K. A., McConocha, E., Fetzner, B. K., Browne, J., Bränström, R., Safren, S. A., & Lehavot, K. (2022). LGBQ-affirmative cognitive-behavioral therapy for young gay and bisexual men’s mental and sexual health: A three-arm randomized controlled trial. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 90(6), 459–477. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000745
Ryan, C., Russell, S. T., Huebner, D., Diaz, R., & Sanchez, J. (2010). Family acceptance in adolescence and the health of LGBT young adults. Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, 23(4), 205–213. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6171.2010.00246.x
Shekelle, P. G., Miake-Lye, I. M., Begashaw, M. M., Booth, M. S., Myers, B., Lowery, N., & Shrank, W. H. (2024). Interventions to reduce loneliness in community-living older adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of General Internal Medicine, 39(6), 1015–1028. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-023-08517-5
Tudor-Sfetea, C., & Topciu, R. (2024). A systematic review of evidence-based cognitive and/or behavioural interventions targeting mental health in LGBTQ+ populations. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1427605
Wang, F., Gao, Y., Han, Z., Yu, Y., Long, Z., Jiang, X., Wu, Y., Pei, L., Cao, Y., Zhang, W., & Ye, T. (2023). A systematic review and meta-analysis of 90 cohort studies of social isolation, loneliness and mortality. Nature Human Behaviour, 7, 1307–1319. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-023-01617-6
